I only want you to see my favorite part of me,
And not my ugly side, not my ugly side...

Laputa: The Castle in the Sky

Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
V Nebesnom Zamke Laputa 5 muzhikov kleyatsya k malen'koj devochke.... 80e blin:facepalm3:

@темы: playing smart, ухмыляяся


Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
V poslednee vremya vkljuchaju facebook spetsial'no chto by sebya ogorchit'

@музыка: System of Down B.Y.O.B

@темы: "Tash is such a whimpering kid", crawling through time, fse f sad, oh, don't worry! I hate you much more, playing smart


tysh' tysh'

Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
Uzhe chas kolbashus' pod russkij nedo-rock, pytayas' perekrechat' Zemfiru i Shevchuka. V poslednee vremya sluchaetsya so mnoj redko tak chto dlya sosedok budet "priyatnym" sjurprizom to kakaya ya zamechatel'naya pevun'ya :crzsot:

@музыка: ДДТ – Белая река

@темы: ухмыляяся, social life... what?, original, crawling through time, chempion derevni po igre na nervah


Using my diary as an actual diary

Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
So lately I was thinking about the life in general, our motivations and goals. Personally, the biggest thing I am afraid of is that it's gonna get worse. In theory, world is moving forward so do we. The Quality of Life should become better every day. But unfortunately nobody can guarantee that.

As long as you're getting use to better food, clothes, entertainment how would you consider going back to black?

And this thought scares me every time I have it. Thinking about the past is usually pleasant because your bad memories fade much faster than good ones (or may be I am just a more positive person that I imagined). But I am not consider a possibility of going back to where I started. Sure, I am not the one...

Basically, the only one idea that keep us running is a hope for better. You either hope or commit suicide. It's like in the chess match: when to maters are playing and one see that he's gonna loose for sure he stops. Which totally make sense. Why wasting everybody's time?

Of course, that is radical and I think I am s strong enough person to keep fighting till the end. However, I am expecting the positive changes in my life soon and I have a right to do so. Fingers crossed ;-)

@музыка: Ray Charles - Hit the Road Jack

@темы: I wrote it instead of going to the gym, crawling through time, playing smart


Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
I feel like every time I reach to my diary it's a misery time.

No, again I am not hungry, not sick, my parents are in ok health (except for one grandma, but she is so hateful and hates me so much that I do not consider her a relative), my studying is almost over and so far I don't see any catastrophe in it. No, that's not it.

Although, I am sitting here for already 5 hours, watching Sex and the City and eating chocolate. Just because I am alone. There is literally no one in here who would listen to me, who would go somewhere with me. No reasonable person who would care. So I am asking myself in a thousand time: God, why and how did I deserved that.

Looking around every day I see people socializing every free second. Friends talking, couples kissing, moms and kids, teammates, classmates - everybody are not by themselves but with somebody. And at the same time I feel like I completely lost an ability to hold a conversation, show my weirdest sense of humor, or being somehow interesting. People around just look through me, like I am transparent. How did that happened?

Well, honestly, I always was kind of unsocial kid. At least after some time in elementary school when tennis started to take of all my time. But in high school I met some good guys and started to believe that nothing is over. As long as I'll get to the college, I thought, my life will be full of events and relationships. Which, actually, was happening for some time: I've never had so much fun in my life as during my freshman year. All the car trips, awkward house parties, Asian friends - that was cool, even may be a little bit lame. Although I was a much better person at that time. So may be that's an answer....

Back to the time line, which leads us to the sophomore year (still don't know how to spell it and probably never will). I was miserably 24/7 despite my own apartment, all the benefits of spending your own money etc. I was as miserable as never. Then I decided that something has to be changed. Transferring was the scariest thing I've ever done, and done almost by my self. Everybody, except several people, were against it, not talking about the help. But may be first time in my life I did something worthy and made it here, Chicago. My lovely, lovely Chicago... the one I never see, except the skyline of the skyscrapers.

No, my dear mythical reader, you shouldn't get me wrong - I am very happy with my choice and would make the same one again. It's just... isolation. That what's tough. When everything is so fine besides that, you feel it stronger. I am dying for society! I am dying to talk to somebody in my weird English with small accent!

The plan was to get in here and find the people of my circle, with same interests and cultural background. So Akron kids would dissolve in my memory as nothing special. And you know, what's the worst? I've actually found some and saw many of them around. The only thing is they so don't give a fuck about me that I am not sure they know that I am exist!

All right that is already to much of "I" and "me" for one evening, need to finish it up. The last thing: I text Andy and invited him to the Jazz session in the famous cocktail lounge. If I wouldn't be so desperate I would never ever do that! He couldn't go or didn't want to... Told me to have fun their. Yes, "have fun by yourself in the other part of the city, in the place you've never been, sitting and drinking the cocktails you can't even drink". Well, that's inspiring! Sometimes I think he probably suspect me to hit on him but no. This is the last thing in the world I would do, even that I like him a lot. I just really really need his company or somebody else!

To summary: this is definitely a curse and I hope it won't last any longer. I am at the edge now.

@музыка: Ella Fitszerald - The Man I Love

@настроение: Nikto ne uznaet

@темы: "Tash is such a whimpering kid", 20 is a sad age, fse f sad, going back West, oh, don't worry! I hate you much more, playing smart



Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
Sizhu v biblioteke pered oknom a tam dlya menya predstavlenie: paren' kuvyrkaetsya po vsyakomu, hardcore par cure bitches!!!! Vyglyadi vobshe pizdato - Rajon 13 i Yamakasi otdyhajut. I sam mal'chik milashka.... ah uchis' Taaaaaash!!

@музыка: Scorpions - Holiday

@темы: "Tash is such a whimpering kid", I wrote it instead of going to the gym, am i a student or fucken terrorist???, crawling through time


wooohoooo and wind

Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
92% for Psychology! yaya

Like the best score i got in this university so far! And didn't even study for this exam! -Who's the genius? - I'm the genius!

Ok of course I'm exaggerating but still... And that after I SUCKED the quiz for Theater after I actually (first time) read the play! That was disappointing! So we're keeping the balance right now.

What else, what else...? Oh Sandy! A bit of the surprize cuz I had no idea something like that is happening until got a text from my mom who was worried about it. I'm like "mom it's always windy in here, no difference!" But on the actual East coast it seems to be a big deal. South is used to that kind of crap but rich kids from Jersey are probably shocked now. "No wifi - catastrophe" the most common joke right now. For me everything that is killing American economy is bad cuz I'm basically feeding on money of its tax-payers. Go fuck yourself home, Sandy - you're drunk!!!!!

@музыка: ebannyj ipod nakrylysya arghhhh

@настроение: about to puke. literally

@темы: am i a student or fucken terrorist???, going back West, playing smart


halloween in Chi-town

Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
So, after I was crying about my boring life for two month - hallelujah! - we went out. And went out not just in the club but some crazy-ass-fancy-place, even two. Fake IDs, face control, entrance fee, and still one of the girls had to know the guy so they let us in. I wouldn't say it wasn't fun but at the same time kind of awkward. I'm not a big fan of going out with a people i see first time in my life, although they are pretty cool. May be too. And also I didn't drink enough. Well at least it didn't affect me. One more thing: I am tired of being big, not cute girl. Always among, for example, me and my tiny teammate, guys would always start to talk with her. ALWAYS! Whatever bullshit she say - it's all cute and funny. I just can't be like this. It is not questionable that tiny big boobs chicks would get their portion of attention but not every time, everywhere with everyone!!!!! There are should be some exclusions! Otherwise I have no idea what to do. And it's not like I'm a completely ugly girl or a total fat-ass (although I would drop like 5 kilos) or a hike - no, definitely not so bad. But I feel like somebody cursed me. At least after moving to Chicago. Males completely ignore me all the time, and it is so tough to get used to it. No I don't want to get used to it!!!! Finding an ugly girlfriend to go out with her is not an option too and never was. May be it's just a virus or smth called "Unsociolism" that I've got?...

However, I'm glad I went out, I'm glad I met those people even if we didn't really get along with each other it still was fun. I missed dancing.

@музыка: Somebody that I used to know (club remx)

@настроение: NOT a hangover :(

@темы: am i a student or fucken terrorist???, "Tash is such a whimpering kid", fse f sad


District 13 and slash

Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN

Tough to believe but this is the first time I saw District 13 and District 13 Ultimatum. And guess what: besides the awesome action there is a perfect slash couple in it! I think their relationships are so precious, how they save each other etc. Even the fight scene from the first part is hot-hot-hot:inlove:

Bottom line: great movie, even better guys.

Wonder if there is any slash for Leito/Damien...

@настроение: 2 hours before the O-GOD-SO-MOTHERFUCKING-TOUGH exam

@темы: I wrote it instead of going to the gym, crawling through time



Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
well, as long as my love life does not exist I am compensating. mostly with watching movies. sometimes shows but movies are preferable. So today instead of doing the assignment for psychology (which i finally forgot to submit so now i'm fucked) I was watching: Cotton Club, Irreversible, Twilight Break Down.

Cotton Club: kind of watched more like a part of Jazz History class assignment and cuz it was the first movie I watched in english. In the second grade my english teacher gave my VHS with this movie, i don't even know why: I couldn't understand a word from it. What I think now? Nothing special. Richard Geer is incredibly annoying, dances and performances could be better, plot is boring and predictable. Summary: waste of time.

Irreversible: french DRAMA from 2002. Decided to watch it because before some time ago I saw a rape scene from this movie and it was horrible cruel. However the whole movie is even worse. It has almost all type of violence including gay and bdsm sex. Bonners are just everywhere! Wonder if they showed it in theaters at all. But, not gonna lie, I liked it a lot. Kassel and Beluchi naked in bed look just astonishing (would give the movie high ranking only because this hot-hot-hot couple) atmosphere of crime-gay-party Paris is disgusting and attractive at the same time. Although still don't understand how could they film something like this with such a famous and expensive actors. Highly recommend.

Twilight Break Down: shame on me of course. Not gonna have a discussion here about the ugliness of Bella, advantage of the book or girls oriented plot. Everybody knows that. Just want to point out that forth movie is actually looks better than the first one (see the same pattern as with Harry Potter). An dyes I am watching it because my love life sucks which bring us to the begging of this post. May be instead of having sex I can become a movie critic and discuss people having sex on the screen. Fun perspective.

@музыка: Going to Chicago Blues

@темы: playing smart, crawling through time, I wrote it instead of going to the gym, "Tash is such a whimpering kid"


i'll do anything to postpone the studying

Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
interesting but i feel like writing today. may be because i'm still in the mood after that Cloud Nine paper I wrote. really good production actually. big time sexual and especially homosexual. honestly cannot imagine seeing something like this in Russia in the free access. guys on the stage where actually kissing and pretending to have sex. couple Arab dudes who where sitting in front of me were seriously shocked: seems like they had zero idea about the play before they saw it. hope i gonna get a decent grade for the paper at least

so today i dreamed about Borya. the thing's even more incredible cuz I rare have dreams and especially dreams about the real people. what happened is we were somewhere on the south, deserty place, with some folks who supposed to be my friends but didn't seem like that at all. it was a lot of drinking, a lot of sun, sand and sea, and I was disgust and happy at the same time. and then at some point Borya says "well we cannot hock up right now. you had to be my girlfriend before when I was hitting on you but now it is too late". and I am standing there trying to explain him that i didn't want to: neither before nor now but he's not listening to me. finally i feel stupid when all the guys get to know that i am into Borya when i am not. this is like the most clear dream i had in a while, like a year or so. definitely should mean something. really hope not gonna dream about Andy

what else, what else... it is incredible how sober i am in the moment.. didn't have a drink in 2 month and the last one i had was a beer. heard from mom that alcohol is killing neurons this woman is full of weird facts from the unapproved souses and that smart people are not drinking at all. well soon i'll turn up to be a real genius:duma:

@темы: am i a student or fucken terrorist???


life strikes again

Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
fuck fuck fuck am i ever will have a chance to have fun???!!! EVER???????

seems like every time i want to go out or do something there is assignment or exam or tournament or practice.... NO BUT SERIOUSLY WHY? if i'm not enjoying my life now, when then? at the age of 80 during the retirement? perfect!

ok the latest update: had a concert on Wednesday, bought tickets a month ahead, wanted to go with friends. One day before the concert getting a text from my coach assistant says that we are leaving on Wednesday night! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? i was waiting for this event for so long, probably the last thing that helped me to deal with all this crap and now... i'm just totally doomed. and I have no idea how will i handle these 2 month of the semester that are left.

that's interesting that i'm writing everything to the diary only. there is now way i'm going to post it somewhere else but here cuz i don't want people to know how bad i am feeling. 99% of my "friends" will be happy about it. people like to watch other suffering, so do I. and you know what's the best part - i'll get over it, as i always do. there is no way i can back up right now. it's all bullshit that we are free persons, can choose our path bla-bla-bla.... no. whatever you choose once, you have to stuck with it otherwise - failer. not always of course but it's just proving my point.

btw i'm really into "Lie to me" show. main character is so hot (Tim Roth)! some guys have to become old to be hot. and i'm slowly realizing that i like "sugardaddys". too bad. means to find myself a proper man i have to live in this world without one for at least 10 years more.

well guess what? have to go back to study now. what a surprise.

oh and one more thing: i talked to the academic adviser today and he said in the best case only about 40 credits of mine are transferring. and I need 128... it is a disaster:hang:

@музыка: Blue October - Ugly Side

@настроение: do you still want to ask???

@темы: am i a student or fucken terrorist???



Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
vse nadoelo! vse eti bezkonechnye razgovory o gluboko vnutrennem mire, unikalnosti i ume - BULLSHIT! bullshit predumannyj nenuzhnymu nikomu devkami! nu i chto chto von tu suku vse ljubyat - zato ya blin lichnost'! nahuj vsem sdalas' tvoya lichnost', tvoi uvlecheniya i t.d. U menya uzhe net sil nosit' rozovye ochki - nado prosto prinyat' i uspokoitsya. obtyanytaya zhopa i siski na rastopyrku vsegda pereb'jut samyj luchshij so vkusom podobrannyj naryad; hihikan'ya i dealogi v stile DOM 2 namnogo interesnej disskusii o tvorchestve Pixey; devchachie uzhimki i piski mily a zhelanie pomoch pochenit' velik pochti prestuplenie! YA TAK NE MOGU! POCHEMU NE BUDUCHI LUSBIYANKOJ YA VYNUZHDENA KAZHDYJ DEN' STALKIVAT'SYA SO VSEM ETIM!!!! inogda mne hochetsya prosto vyrezat' levoe polusharie mozga i tozhe radovat'sya shenochkam, "tomu hot-hot-hot parnju iz 3 metra", i flirtovat' so vsemi podryad! zachem mne vobshe eta golova esli ot nee odni nepriyatnosti??????
eto kakoj to ad i nikakogo prosveta... pochemu v etom parshivom mire esli tee nuzhen uspeh ty dolzhen byt' extrovertom???? da ya blyad' hochu vsporot' zhivot 90% ljudej vokug i mne srat' na to "what's your major and which music are you listening to"! people are just incredibly stupid but i belive there are several who are fine but FUCK I AM NEVER GONNA FIND THEM CUZ I'M FUCKING ITERVERT!!!!! how many times i tried to tell myself "fuck all of them Tash - live your life, you don't need anybody". but apperently i do! i can't live in civiliation and dont talk to anybody. on the island - you're welcome; Chicago - forget it. and actually i kind of want somebody to care about me, a person i can rely on but FOR ME IT IS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND ONE! it sounds like a time for suicide? yea but i like to exist to much to end it with my own hands, and I still have a tiny little hope that some day (yea in fucking 50 years) i'll find somebody. yea it's like a chance to win a National lottery - theoretically you can do it; you even can start planning where you gonna spend all those money (as one of my idiot friends does) but you NEVER-MOTHERFUCKING-EVER GONNA WIN IT! and there is noothing funny about this whole situation. sometimes i just want go on the street and start cutting people untill they will put me in a jail and exicute. at least that would be fun.

also i hate how all those soft-hearted cunts care about children in Africa, enviroment, blue wheles and all that crap, particulary hate those kids in Africa. why the hell i need to care about them and feed them? let them die or better kill them if you wanna be humanistic. and kill every nigga that raped sold drugs or kill somebody (you know when i was writing the word "nigga" i was thinking should i do it or should i not! THAT'S WHAT THEY DID TO ME! I CAN'T EVEN CALL NIGER A NEGER CUZ IT UNPOLITE! FUCK YOU AND YOUR DIVERSITY CRAP! i don't wannna be a nazi intentially cuz i hate everybody in general but if you know that all those negro-black shit is commiting 90% of all crimes in US and you still say that we are all equal???????? what are you, a genius?!!! and the worst thing that everyday i have to meet all of this in my life. everywhere i go it;s either some social comercial or aggitation or smth which is hipnotizing me and forcing to give them EVEN MORE RIGHTS EVEN MORE AGVANTAGES BECAUSE THEY WERE SLAVES 150 YEARS AGO??????????????? WHAT? Russians slavary was canceled in the same year with americans and guess what: USA had slaves from another continent which were muchmuchmuchmuch lower developed mentaly than their masters; in Russia they used RUSSIAN PEOPLE AS SLAVES! THAT IS BAD NOT YOUS FUCKEN "AFROAMERICAN EXPERIENCE"! and by the way descendants of those "poor-poor slaves" right now are driving Camarro's and smocking weet with bithces when their "free fathers" in Africa are dying!!!!!! oh why humans are so stupid?

seriously how the humanity still didn't destroy itself when 99% of the populations are living eat-sleep-fuck life and 1% are fucking bastards? no i'm pretty sure i will have a pleasure to see this civilization dying. and that's the only thing that cheers me up right now. and before that moment i want to live a high quality life and longer than anybody else so i can see them dying in agony.

p.s. seems like the only place i can be truly honest (except an everyday-conferences in my head) is this lame diary, which nobody is reading. and conversations with Di. but ever with her i probably seem more positive than i actually am.

@темы: am i a student or fucken terrorist???


Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
Gospodi kak ya zaviduju tem ljudyam u kotoryh hvataet terpeniya pisat'! ya zhe zadalblivajus' uzhe posle vtorogo paragrafa... velikij vse taki dar:beg:

p.s. nu ne schitaya teh maloletok pubertatnogo perioda ili molozhe kotorye razmazyvajut sopli po tysyacham stranits worda

@настроение: piterskoe


Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN

vot byvajut zhe mal'chiki... ne valit' i trahat' no naslozhdat'sya!

@музыка: Nirvana – Rape Me

@темы: am i a student or fucken terrorist???


inogda ya uvazhaju shtaty

Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
v nashem zamechatel'nom univere ty mozhesh izuchat' vse chto dushen'ke ugodno v tom chesle i:

Intro to Suicidology Course- Register Today! (teoreticheski eto ssylka na kotoruju nado klikat' chto by registrirovat'sya)


@музыка: Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood

@настроение: finished finals!

@темы: am i a student or fucken terrorist???


Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN

Around 620 BC Draco, the lawgiver, wrote the first
known written law of Ancient Greece. Draco was
an Athenian lawgiver whose harsh legal code
punished both trivial and serious crimes in Athens
with death--hence the continued use of the word
draconian to describe repressive legal measures.
Draco's laws were shockingly severe, so severe that
they were said to have been written not in ink but
in blood. Solon succeeded him in about 594 BC

vse delo v imeni chuvak :gigi:



Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
vchera nochju ya vodila infinity s mehanikoj za 80 000 amerikanskih prezidentov... yae bady, love this life :super:

@темы: am i a student or fucken terrorist???


Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
u vas ne byvalo takogo chto vrede vse delaesh pravil'no: ne halturish ni kogo ne podstavlyaesh, kak govoryat amerikantsy doing your best a ljudi vse ravno na tebya naezzhajut, prichem vse i srazu. no esche poganee chto u teh tvarej kotorye vse perechislennoe ne delajut vse v shokolade. vozmozhno vse eto vyglyadit kak soplivye zhaloby na zhizn' no ya prosto uzhe ne mogu terpet'. mozhet chto by vse naladilos' mne prosto nado stat' suchkoj kak vse????? v lubom slushae esche raz i navsegda ubezhdajus' chto pravda vsegda toll'ko vredit i nado ochen' tshatel'no vybirat' komu ee govorit'...

P.S. no samyj otstoj chto ya dezhe ne mogu napit'sya s gorya potomu chto esche poltora goda mne tut nikto ne budet nalivat' :budo:

@темы: am i a student or fucken terrorist???


ввожу дозу понемногу

Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
Название: Коматозник

Автор: wild_card_needless
Бета: самобетинг
Рейтинг: настоящие пацаны признают только R!
Жанр: слеш, агнст
Состояние: в процессе
От автора: идее ровно год, но за это время была собрана информация.

Warning: на счет порядков в британской и американской армиях имеется собственный опыт и гугл, но накосячено будет определенно так что не пугаемся и негодуем, а метаем тапки по теме. Все замечания будут учтены, а косяки выпрямлены.

Саммари: не иметь желаний и целей в жизни не так просто, как кажется. Смена континента, университета и соседа по комнате, вероятно, сможет повлиять на ситуацию.

Глава 3

@музыка: Linkin Park - Waiting for the end

@темы: original