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Записи с темой: playing smart (список заголовков)
02:16 

Laputa: The Castle in the Sky

Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
V Nebesnom Zamke Laputa 5 muzhikov kleyatsya k malen'koj devochke.... 80e blin:facepalm3:

@темы: playing smart, ухмыляяся

07:21 

Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
V poslednee vremya vkljuchaju facebook spetsial'no chto by sebya ogorchit'

@музыка: System of Down B.Y.O.B

@темы: "Tash is such a whimpering kid", crawling through time, fse f sad, oh, don't worry! I hate you much more, playing smart

11:37 

Using my diary as an actual diary

Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
So lately I was thinking about the life in general, our motivations and goals. Personally, the biggest thing I am afraid of is that it's gonna get worse. In theory, world is moving forward so do we. The Quality of Life should become better every day. But unfortunately nobody can guarantee that.

As long as you're getting use to better food, clothes, entertainment how would you consider going back to black?

And this thought scares me every time I have it. Thinking about the past is usually pleasant because your bad memories fade much faster than good ones (or may be I am just a more positive person that I imagined). But I am not consider a possibility of going back to where I started. Sure, I am not the one...

Basically, the only one idea that keep us running is a hope for better. You either hope or commit suicide. It's like in the chess match: when to maters are playing and one see that he's gonna loose for sure he stops. Which totally make sense. Why wasting everybody's time?

Of course, that is radical and I think I am s strong enough person to keep fighting till the end. However, I am expecting the positive changes in my life soon and I have a right to do so. Fingers crossed ;-)

@музыка: Ray Charles - Hit the Road Jack

@темы: I wrote it instead of going to the gym, crawling through time, playing smart

07:52 

Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
I feel like every time I reach to my diary it's a misery time.

No, again I am not hungry, not sick, my parents are in ok health (except for one grandma, but she is so hateful and hates me so much that I do not consider her a relative), my studying is almost over and so far I don't see any catastrophe in it. No, that's not it.

Although, I am sitting here for already 5 hours, watching Sex and the City and eating chocolate. Just because I am alone. There is literally no one in here who would listen to me, who would go somewhere with me. No reasonable person who would care. So I am asking myself in a thousand time: God, why and how did I deserved that.

Looking around every day I see people socializing every free second. Friends talking, couples kissing, moms and kids, teammates, classmates - everybody are not by themselves but with somebody. And at the same time I feel like I completely lost an ability to hold a conversation, show my weirdest sense of humor, or being somehow interesting. People around just look through me, like I am transparent. How did that happened?

Well, honestly, I always was kind of unsocial kid. At least after some time in elementary school when tennis started to take of all my time. But in high school I met some good guys and started to believe that nothing is over. As long as I'll get to the college, I thought, my life will be full of events and relationships. Which, actually, was happening for some time: I've never had so much fun in my life as during my freshman year. All the car trips, awkward house parties, Asian friends - that was cool, even may be a little bit lame. Although I was a much better person at that time. So may be that's an answer....

Back to the time line, which leads us to the sophomore year (still don't know how to spell it and probably never will). I was miserably 24/7 despite my own apartment, all the benefits of spending your own money etc. I was as miserable as never. Then I decided that something has to be changed. Transferring was the scariest thing I've ever done, and done almost by my self. Everybody, except several people, were against it, not talking about the help. But may be first time in my life I did something worthy and made it here, Chicago. My lovely, lovely Chicago... the one I never see, except the skyline of the skyscrapers.

No, my dear mythical reader, you shouldn't get me wrong - I am very happy with my choice and would make the same one again. It's just... isolation. That what's tough. When everything is so fine besides that, you feel it stronger. I am dying for society! I am dying to talk to somebody in my weird English with small accent!

The plan was to get in here and find the people of my circle, with same interests and cultural background. So Akron kids would dissolve in my memory as nothing special. And you know, what's the worst? I've actually found some and saw many of them around. The only thing is they so don't give a fuck about me that I am not sure they know that I am exist!

All right that is already to much of "I" and "me" for one evening, need to finish it up. The last thing: I text Andy and invited him to the Jazz session in the famous cocktail lounge. If I wouldn't be so desperate I would never ever do that! He couldn't go or didn't want to... Told me to have fun their. Yes, "have fun by yourself in the other part of the city, in the place you've never been, sitting and drinking the cocktails you can't even drink". Well, that's inspiring! Sometimes I think he probably suspect me to hit on him but no. This is the last thing in the world I would do, even that I like him a lot. I just really really need his company or somebody else!

To summary: this is definitely a curse and I hope it won't last any longer. I am at the edge now.

@музыка: Ella Fitszerald - The Man I Love

@настроение: Nikto ne uznaet

@темы: "Tash is such a whimpering kid", 20 is a sad age, fse f sad, going back West, oh, don't worry! I hate you much more, playing smart

08:41 

wooohoooo and wind

Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
92% for Psychology! yaya

Like the best score i got in this university so far! And didn't even study for this exam! -Who's the genius? - I'm the genius!

Ok of course I'm exaggerating but still... And that after I SUCKED the quiz for Theater after I actually (first time) read the play! That was disappointing! So we're keeping the balance right now.

What else, what else...? Oh Sandy! A bit of the surprize cuz I had no idea something like that is happening until got a text from my mom who was worried about it. I'm like "mom it's always windy in here, no difference!" But on the actual East coast it seems to be a big deal. South is used to that kind of crap but rich kids from Jersey are probably shocked now. "No wifi - catastrophe" the most common joke right now. For me everything that is killing American economy is bad cuz I'm basically feeding on money of its tax-payers. Go fuck yourself home, Sandy - you're drunk!!!!!

@музыка: ebannyj ipod nakrylysya arghhhh

@настроение: about to puke. literally

@темы: am i a student or fucken terrorist???, going back West, playing smart

07:34 

movie-expert

Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
well, as long as my love life does not exist I am compensating. mostly with watching movies. sometimes shows but movies are preferable. So today instead of doing the assignment for psychology (which i finally forgot to submit so now i'm fucked) I was watching: Cotton Club, Irreversible, Twilight Break Down.

Cotton Club: kind of watched more like a part of Jazz History class assignment and cuz it was the first movie I watched in english. In the second grade my english teacher gave my VHS with this movie, i don't even know why: I couldn't understand a word from it. What I think now? Nothing special. Richard Geer is incredibly annoying, dances and performances could be better, plot is boring and predictable. Summary: waste of time.

Irreversible: french DRAMA from 2002. Decided to watch it because before some time ago I saw a rape scene from this movie and it was horrible cruel. However the whole movie is even worse. It has almost all type of violence including gay and bdsm sex. Bonners are just everywhere! Wonder if they showed it in theaters at all. But, not gonna lie, I liked it a lot. Kassel and Beluchi naked in bed look just astonishing (would give the movie high ranking only because this hot-hot-hot couple) atmosphere of crime-gay-party Paris is disgusting and attractive at the same time. Although still don't understand how could they film something like this with such a famous and expensive actors. Highly recommend.

Twilight Break Down: shame on me of course. Not gonna have a discussion here about the ugliness of Bella, advantage of the book or girls oriented plot. Everybody knows that. Just want to point out that forth movie is actually looks better than the first one (see the same pattern as with Harry Potter). An dyes I am watching it because my love life sucks which bring us to the begging of this post. May be instead of having sex I can become a movie critic and discuss people having sex on the screen. Fun perspective.

@музыка: Going to Chicago Blues

@темы: playing smart, crawling through time, I wrote it instead of going to the gym, "Tash is such a whimpering kid"

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