Я единственный нормальный человек на этой планете. А еще я пытался себя убить!©DJN
I feel like every time I reach to my diary it's a misery time.
No, again I am not hungry, not sick, my parents are in ok health (except for one grandma, but she is so hateful and hates me so much that I do not consider her a relative), my studying is almost over and so far I don't see any catastrophe in it. No, that's not it.
Although, I am sitting here for already 5 hours, watching Sex and the City and eating chocolate. Just because I am alone. There is literally no one in here who would listen to me, who would go somewhere with me. No reasonable person who would care. So I am asking myself in a thousand time: God, why and how did I deserved that.
Looking around every day I see people socializing every free second. Friends talking, couples kissing, moms and kids, teammates, classmates - everybody are not by themselves but with somebody. And at the same time I feel like I completely lost an ability to hold a conversation, show my weirdest sense of humor, or being somehow interesting. People around just look through me, like I am transparent. How did that happened?
Well, honestly, I always was kind of unsocial kid. At least after some time in elementary school when tennis started to take of all my time. But in high school I met some good guys and started to believe that nothing is over. As long as I'll get to the college, I thought, my life will be full of events and relationships. Which, actually, was happening for some time: I've never had so much fun in my life as during my freshman year. All the car trips, awkward house parties, Asian friends - that was cool, even may be a little bit lame. Although I was a much better person at that time. So may be that's an answer....
Back to the time line, which leads us to the sophomore year (still don't know how to spell it and probably never will). I was miserably 24/7 despite my own apartment, all the benefits of spending your own money etc. I was as miserable as never. Then I decided that something has to be changed. Transferring was the scariest thing I've ever done, and done almost by my self. Everybody, except several people, were against it, not talking about the help. But may be first time in my life I did something worthy and made it here, Chicago. My lovely, lovely Chicago... the one I never see, except the skyline of the skyscrapers.
No, my dear mythical reader, you shouldn't get me wrong - I am very happy with my choice and would make the same one again. It's just... isolation. That what's tough. When everything is so fine besides that, you feel it stronger. I am dying for society! I am dying to talk to somebody in my weird English with small accent!
The plan was to get in here and find the people of my circle, with same interests and cultural background. So Akron kids would dissolve in my memory as nothing special. And you know, what's the worst? I've actually found some and saw many of them around. The only thing is they so don't give a fuck about me that I am not sure they know that I am exist!
All right that is already to much of "I" and "me" for one evening, need to finish it up. The last thing: I text Andy and invited him to the Jazz session in the famous cocktail lounge. If I wouldn't be so desperate I would never ever do that! He couldn't go or didn't want to... Told me to have fun their. Yes, "have fun by yourself in the other part of the city, in the place you've never been, sitting and drinking the cocktails you can't even drink". Well, that's inspiring! Sometimes I think he probably suspect me to hit on him but no. This is the last thing in the world I would do, even that I like him a lot. I just really really need his company or somebody else!
To summary: this is definitely a curse and I hope it won't last any longer. I am at the edge now.
No, again I am not hungry, not sick, my parents are in ok health (except for one grandma, but she is so hateful and hates me so much that I do not consider her a relative), my studying is almost over and so far I don't see any catastrophe in it. No, that's not it.
Although, I am sitting here for already 5 hours, watching Sex and the City and eating chocolate. Just because I am alone. There is literally no one in here who would listen to me, who would go somewhere with me. No reasonable person who would care. So I am asking myself in a thousand time: God, why and how did I deserved that.
Looking around every day I see people socializing every free second. Friends talking, couples kissing, moms and kids, teammates, classmates - everybody are not by themselves but with somebody. And at the same time I feel like I completely lost an ability to hold a conversation, show my weirdest sense of humor, or being somehow interesting. People around just look through me, like I am transparent. How did that happened?
Well, honestly, I always was kind of unsocial kid. At least after some time in elementary school when tennis started to take of all my time. But in high school I met some good guys and started to believe that nothing is over. As long as I'll get to the college, I thought, my life will be full of events and relationships. Which, actually, was happening for some time: I've never had so much fun in my life as during my freshman year. All the car trips, awkward house parties, Asian friends - that was cool, even may be a little bit lame. Although I was a much better person at that time. So may be that's an answer....
Back to the time line, which leads us to the sophomore year (still don't know how to spell it and probably never will). I was miserably 24/7 despite my own apartment, all the benefits of spending your own money etc. I was as miserable as never. Then I decided that something has to be changed. Transferring was the scariest thing I've ever done, and done almost by my self. Everybody, except several people, were against it, not talking about the help. But may be first time in my life I did something worthy and made it here, Chicago. My lovely, lovely Chicago... the one I never see, except the skyline of the skyscrapers.
No, my dear mythical reader, you shouldn't get me wrong - I am very happy with my choice and would make the same one again. It's just... isolation. That what's tough. When everything is so fine besides that, you feel it stronger. I am dying for society! I am dying to talk to somebody in my weird English with small accent!
The plan was to get in here and find the people of my circle, with same interests and cultural background. So Akron kids would dissolve in my memory as nothing special. And you know, what's the worst? I've actually found some and saw many of them around. The only thing is they so don't give a fuck about me that I am not sure they know that I am exist!
All right that is already to much of "I" and "me" for one evening, need to finish it up. The last thing: I text Andy and invited him to the Jazz session in the famous cocktail lounge. If I wouldn't be so desperate I would never ever do that! He couldn't go or didn't want to... Told me to have fun their. Yes, "have fun by yourself in the other part of the city, in the place you've never been, sitting and drinking the cocktails you can't even drink". Well, that's inspiring! Sometimes I think he probably suspect me to hit on him but no. This is the last thing in the world I would do, even that I like him a lot. I just really really need his company or somebody else!
To summary: this is definitely a curse and I hope it won't last any longer. I am at the edge now.